


Eulogy

by RoyEdIsMyAesthetic



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Angst, Angst and Humor, Attempt at Humor, Death, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Humorous Ending, Inappropriate Humor, M/M, Wakes & Funerals, royed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-02
Updated: 2017-01-02
Packaged: 2018-09-14 06:37:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9166516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoyEdIsMyAesthetic/pseuds/RoyEdIsMyAesthetic
Summary: And then a shout from the a short blond alchemist who came running up the hill as fast as he could with a bottle of water in hand, feeling greatly constricted under the confines of a black three piece suit. "Wait up!" Edward Elric shouted. "Don't you dare fucking bury the ashes yet!"





	

The force of gravity had to act with strength tenfold in order to tether the bodies of Roy Mustang's friends to the earth. Hearts were heavy, bodies were numb, but minds danced off in the brisk late October breeze that toyed with their hair and nipped at the sides of their somber faces, trying in vain to gain their attention as they stood on the hill before  Roy's headstone. After making its rounds around the stone and the pedestal upon which sat the urn containing the ashes of the deceased, the air then hushed the mourners quiet with the force of an ocean wave crashing upon a rocky shore.  

A silence. 

And then a shout from the a short blond alchemist who came running up the hill as fast as he could with a bottle of water in hand, feeling greatly constricted under the confines of a black three piece suit. "Wait up!" Edward Elric shouted. "Don't you dare fucking bury the ashes yet!"

Riza Hawkeye let out a low groan and buried her face in her hands as Ed placed himself behind the nearby podium that stood in front of the crowd. 

"Fucking god..."

"We're gathered here today because _SOMEBODY_ , couldn't stay alive!" Edward said loudly, glaring at Roy's urn. "Anyway, good afternoon everyone! I'm Edward Elric. And if you're here, you're someone that Roy Mustang cared about. Or loved. Or maybe you're just somebody who has no business being here at all, somebody who's just here because you think it'd make you more popular! Like Mike! Everyone is wondering why you're here, Mike. Because you didn't even know Roy. But don't worry about it though, it's cool- no one's complainin'.

Roy and I used to fuck around big time, both literally and metaphorically, bless his heart. We'd fucking party hard! Slay ass. We also watched a lot of cinema films together.

One of our favorites was The Amazing Spider Man 2- the crappy remake that doesn't have Tobey Maguire in it. We'd often joke to each other about who is Peter Parker and who is Gwen fucking Stacy. And it turned out... that Roy was Gwen fucking Stacy. Because Gwen fucking Stacy died. Which makes me Andrew Garfield.

...I'm Andrew Garfield, guys!

Which is fitting because I'm not a woman. And not fitting because I don't have an accent."

Edward paused and nodded his head to the side. "And I wasn't nominated for the Golden Globes, but I sure fucking should have! If there's anything that this tragedy teaches us, people, it's that an alchemist's life is a precious commodity. Just because we have strong jawlines, chiseled abs, and absolutely stunning features... it doesn't mean that we too can't not die in a freak toaster oven accident.

Now everyone... everyone close your eyes! Yeah, go ahead and close 'em suckers! I want you to picture Roy as he was- picture Roy's face. Happy. Well manicured facial hair. His body youthful and full of life. A fine, upstanding specimen. Good in the sac!" he added. "Now picture him now! A cold lifeless face with skin gone a sickening shade of green and gray. Eyeballs mushed up and smashed into the motherfucking skull... maggots eating away, digging trenches into the recesses of the mind! Little strands of hair still... still comin' off of his head- little itty bitty whispy bits of hair. Looks all scary like that little smart-ass crypt guy from HBO's Tales from the Crypt. 

I've always thought that was his spirit animal. Mine of course is a mountain lion imbued with the spirit of a pure blooded wolverine, but back to topic! That's the kind of skeleton that Roy is now! Now open your eyes. What do you see?"

A smirk spread across Edward's face as he pointed to himself. 

"You see me, don'tcha?! Roy lives in me!" he said, banging a fist upon the podium, "I have his power! I now have all of Roy's fucking powers along with my own! So anyone who wants to step up to this shit?! Better recognize! But in all seriousness..." he continued in a quieter voice, "Roy was my brother. He wasn't my brother in the way that Alphonse is my brother... but rather in the way that black people call each other 'brother', because I just... I just feel like that holds so much more meaning..." he explained, putting a hand to his heart.

A moment later, he left the podium and went to the urn upon the pedestal, taking with him the water bottle he had brought. 

"At this time, I would like to perform a ritual before we scatter Roy's remains upon the four corners of the earth, just as I assume that he would have wished..." he announced, unscrewing the cap of the urn. 

Just as the lid came off, a puff of gray ashes went blowing up into Edward's face, which the blond waved away with one hand and a wrinkled nose. He then dropped the lid onto the grassy ground and undid the top of the water bottle. A glugging sound consumed the air as the water was then poured into the urn.

"You see, Roy was useless in water," Ed clarified, "Just as he is useless to me now dead when it comes to fulfilling my sexual needs. But me? I'm used to the water. I make my girl rain all the fucking time- yeah, I got you, Winry!"

When the bottle was empty, Ed tossed it to the side, and picked up the urn, sloshing the contents around a couple of times.

He paused.

"Roy?" Ed finally called softly. He lifted the urn up to his ear, _"Yeah, boo?"_ he whispered, imitating Roy's deceased spirit. "Roy, I love you man... _no homo_..." he whispered. 

 

_No, Fullmetal..._

_...homo all the way._

 

 


End file.
